“Dear Self”
May 2013
Tijera,
I wrote this letter to make you think about the things you have been going through lately. Right now, you are more vulnerable and sensitive than ever before. You gave your ALL to a man that could not give you the same. Your heart feels battered and your soul feels torn to pieces.
But the question I have for you is this, “Why do you keep displaying yourself to individuals that have such a wretched and dysfunctional personality?” I know every human being in this cold-hearted universe wants love, but your ways seem so masochist and self-destructive. You are on a very detrimental path that will lead to chaos of the heart and soul. It wrecks havoc on your very being. Also, it will affect your joy, passions, and dreams.
STOP feeling like you deserve to be with someone. You are very deserving, but you need to figure yourself out first and move on. It is not time to love someone right now. Your heart needs to heal from the war it just endured. You can’t keep sending an injured soldier to the battlefield. He/she has to rest and recover.
The love of Christ in YOU is what makes you beautiful, delicate, and a conqueror. You do not need any man that will ruin your self-esteem, beauty, confidence, and soul just to acquire the best thing(s) you possess. Your love, intelligence, innermost thoughts, and dreams are your best qualities. No man in this world should EVER tell you lies, so he can take advantage, and crush you.
Hopefully, you have learned from all of this and stop bumping your head against the wall with tears rolling down you face.
Love,
Your Wonderful, Confident, and Sexy S-E-L-F
EXCERPT –
Boy, was this a hard time for me (2012 – 2013)! My (ex) husband packed his bags around the holidays (see post “Do 4 Love”) and I decided divorce would be the best option. I did really good in terms of not missing him and keeping myself occupied with school (other things such as exercise and B&N).
Once Valentine’s day hit, I was a WRECK!! I took myself out to dinner, but something was still missing.
Anyways, it felt like I hit “rock-bottom” and called my so-called friends for advice. They told me to get laid, and I’m thinking, “No, it’s been 3 months and your still MARRIED. I’m doing real good by not jumping in the bed with anyone.” Well…LUST won this situation and I got tied up with *Tony, who was a co-worker that had a “jones” for me (a 6 month crush). This led to making out in his office at work, to close encounters in my apartment, to a movie date and full-blown sex. It was everything I expected….AMAZING! And he was Puerto Rican….LORD JESUS!!!
Even though Tony was not mine and I try not to catch feelings, the way he held my hand and kissed me felt good. It was what I needed at the time…or so I thought….
Well, the glitter starts to fade and we talk (or text), but not that much. I confided in a friend (we will call her *Jody) about our situation and she talked about how Tony (my “smash buddy”) is a sweetheart and she’ll talk to him about what’s going on between us and such.
Tip #1: If your friend or someone else has to intervene in a situation/relationship, it’s already going down hill. You should have the balls to talk about things…or at least he should.
One night me and Jody were at the local Wal-Mart and I kept asking her about him. She said I’m stuck on him too much and need to move on. Then Jody tells me he takes “Designer Drugs” (SPICE) and is sleeping with other girls. OMG!!!
Now, my (other) friends that advised me to get laid were now saying, “Girl you moved too fast and shouldn’t of messed with him.” , “He’s from Philly, guys from there ain’t s#%@, “All you got was some good d%@$ and a I-pod…LMAO!!!”, and “You were so stupid!” Bitch what!?!?!?!? Then one of them said, “Don’t feel played cause you enjoyed the sex just as much as he did.” Really?!?! So much for friends!
I really start to feel some type of way about all of this. It just drove me up the wall. Not cause I wanted to squeeze his hand until it exploded or date him, I enjoyed talking to him and wanted to keep having sex. SEX was on my mind 24/7!!! My ex stopped sleeping with me after Thanksgiving 2013 (I was on a 3 month drought before Tony) , so the desire to “smash” became my “designer drug.” No matter how many times I listened Rihanna or to “Kitty Kat” by Beyonce’ as a “pick-me-up”, I still felt used, played, and lied to. I need to channel B or RiRi’s confidence, but I just felt so torn and worn out. Then I got into the “Drake” modes which had me crying and rolling all over my apartment floor. Tony also gave me his I-pod to borrow, which had lots of Drake, so I zoned out into sadness and despair.
As time went on we drifted apart big time. We had sex a few more times (4 total) and then…Tony didn’t want it anymore. I even offered to give him “head” and he declined (what crazy guy does that?!?!)! I thought I wasn’t pretty enough or whatever but he kept saying it was him and not me….blah, blah, blah. All of the sudden, he had an issue with me still being married, even though he knew all of this when we decided to talk more and I was filing for divorce (I never saw my ex after he left in December). More and more things came up that he disliked so our little “thing.” could just end. Tony’s favorite phrase was, “It’s not like that, but….” So…what is it like MF!?!?!?
I remember calling my mom in tears (It was hysterical and dramatic. I could of won an Oscar).
Well what does Mom do? She tries to help but I keep hearing, “I told you so”, “It’s your fault. How could you fall for that”, and “No matter what they tell you, everything changes after sex.” I felt like I was hit by a train. I needed support. Well, Daddy got on the phone and I was relieved. He told me everything Mom said in a cool and collective way. He also prayed with me and I felt a lot better, but still troubled. I felt weak and useless.
Before he left for Germany, Tony apologized in a weird way (by accusing me of being clingy or crazy. I wanted d@$% guy, not marriage), but admitted that he and Jody had sex before! You would of thought Hiroshima went off in my head. I was PISSED, but also hurt.
“I hate you so much right now…AAAAAAHHHHHH!” – Caught Out There, Kelis
I knew something was wrong when she had Fire Guard Duty in his dorm/barracks and he let her spend the night in his room. How are you gonna tell me Tony isn’t s%@$, and all these other things but you sat on his d#$^ a couple of times? I told Tony I wouldn’t tell her, because we would of all been in a whirlwind of drama (you cannot be involved with other people while being in the military and married. Even though I was separated, Tony and I could of lost our military careers.), but I blasted Jody a few weeks later. Of all things, Jody was married (a very rocky marriage), sleeping with different guys on the base, had an abortion (the baby was by her recent “FWB” who was still married) and visiting her husband on the weekends. And she only dated or slept with black dudes?!? Yeah right! I hate having “left-over” men. I don’t want to know my friend slept with you, but I’m glad I did. That’s why the little heifer was blocking and always “downing” him. He ain’t s$%^ or innocent either.
But, I did make some mistakes in all of this. I learned that vulnerability will get you in HOT WATER! I should of healed instead of jumping head first into anything. Guys prey off sensitivity and vulnerability. I guess I forgot the “GAME” after being with the same man for 5 years. They will lie, rob, cheat, or steal, to get what they want from you (between your legs). The experience will be heaven, but then change from purgatory to HELL in a matter of days, weeks, or months.
On the other hand….Karma is a $@%#&!!! That’s another blog.
Still didn’t learn my lesson. I had a few one-night stands and made other stupid mistakes. After a few months, I realized the “GAME” is more jacked up than it was 5-8 years ago. I went from married to night stalker. I just didn’t understand how guys change after sex. Was it bad, me, my body, etc.? After a while, I realized…it was not me. They got what they wanted and were done. It’s evil and sad, but guess what????….THE TRUTH HURTS!!! And all I wanted was sex….not a relationship, but you can’t even have a “Friends with benefits” these days (FWB is nothing but a “situationship.”) What hurts my feelings are lies. I HATE LIARS (see my post, “In My Humble Opinion”, Your so THOTFUL)! What woman keeps getting denied of sex? The answer to this question is getting sex was not the issue, but getting sex from the same person multiple times was. I refused to be with 20 guys within a 3 month period, I needed to figure out something quick to ease my mind from the pain and confusion I was feeling. One things for sure, sex without love damages the heart and soul. Sometimes, they will NEVER recover, but was I too late?!?
So, October 2013, I decided to go celibate. This was not the easiest decision, but I needed to heal my heart and mind from all the garbage of my marriage and escapades. No more bed hopping for me, but soul searching. Also, it was for religious purposes. Now I think about it and I should of waited until I got married. This whole dating, smashing, and other useless love news is garbage!
The first 6 months was hell!!! I almost gave in around month #4 to some $@#hole I messed with right before I went celibate. I’m glad I didn’t. He tried to sleep with my roommate, neighbor, and has a GF who was 6 months pregnant. Of course he lied and said he was single! Again, can we all be adults about “sexual needs” and stop lying?!?
None of my friends agreed to what I was doing and I had a roommate who had a dude every night. It was like a total of 12 by the time she moved out. Then my whorish neighbor would have sex upstairs and then chat with me the next day about changing my mind about celibacy and just having fun. Now, I don’t judge, but don’t get upset when I decide to make a difference. She was a little snake cause the guy I just mentioned with the GF…well…she egged a lot of stuff on one night at a club and she wanted to mess with him too. It was a big mess and I also learned a lesson – STAY ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!! I did the right thing and thank you *Tasha for being a “attention” whore.” Your acts turned me off to Mr. $@#hole and I went to bed…ALONE! The best thing for me! Plus I was crazy drunk. I remember vomiting the next morning…eeeeeewwww! I didn’t need to do anything with anyone that night.
So, It’s been almost a year and I’m actually happy (I have my days). I don’t know the pleasure or pain side of having sex because I really don’t care. Ok…let me re-phrase that. I miss it sometimes, but the drama ALWAYS outweighs the sex. Now I can walk away with my dignity instead of a man walking away with my heart. Best believe!
XOXO,
Tijera
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