Do 4 Love
August 11, 2014
By: Tijera Slack
Wow! I had a “Blast from the past!” I had a gym/spa membership while I was stationed in North Carolina. I wanted to cancel it because I have left the military and returned to California. Sometime last week, I made sure the gym had the proper documentation to make this thing happen.
I get an e-mail stating this:
Dear Member,
We are in receipt of your documentation for cancellation. Upon review of your documents we have noticed that your are the primary member of a joint account. Unfortunately we cannot cancel your account until the secondary account has been paid in full. It was sent to collections on 07/11/14 for non-payment of dues. Please contact your account manager at 910-483-4837 to pay this off.
WTF?!?!? So…after reading this, I realized that the secondary account holder is my EX HUSBAND! He told me before the divorce that he took care of the gym membership, which was a $99 cancellation fee. This means, he has had this bill since he left in December 2012. Trifling bastard!!! Because he signed the contract, He is responsible for the secondary account payments, but I cannot cancel my membership until he is paid in full. So, I decided to e-mail him this info and sent the gym my divorce decree & separation agreement in regards to our own bills.
So, if you did not know, I’ve been divorced for over a year now. My ex and I met in Europe while I was stationed over there.
Landstuhl, Germany
He was crazy about me, but I did not pay him any mind. I just felt like he wanted some #%$. A few months down the line, we start dating, but we were always arguing and fussing. When I met his mom for the the first time, all of the rude comments came out and he accused me of stealing. This should of been a SIGN not to get married!!!
Well, on May 3rd, 2010, we tied the knot in Las Vegas! I lied to myself and thought it was the best day of my life. One gets tired of going to the club, one night stands, and partying. I loved him, but also wanted to settle down. Remember that Tupac song “Do 4 Love?” That was ME!! I would try EVERYTHING and would not give up!
Our relationship was still hell + add the 60-80 hour workload to it. Juggling the Army and a war zone in my home became too much for me. No on wants to clean a 5 bedroom house after a 24 hour shift. Did I inform you that my husband would be drunk and playing Playstation the whole freakin’ time? My place was filthy. I would be in tears using bleach and cleaning out my tub while he was playing Call of Duty at the neighbor’s house. I literally had a “nervous breakdown” and was in the hospital 3 days before my birthday and Christmas.
So, after my trip to the hospital, we vowed we would stick through anything despite my demotion, losing all of our savings to the German Utility company and other things. But do words and vows mean anything in the 21st century?!?
So, we get transferred to the states. I chose Fort Bragg, NC because I wanted him to see his family in Kentucky as much as possible (before we made our final move to California).
Before we got married, we decided and agreed to move to my home state California, because I owned a home out there.
Once we got to NC, moving to California was not an option. I got more threats about divorcing + going back to his mother’s house in Kentucky, my dogs are terrified of him, and holes in our apartment walls.
After his terminal leave from the Army (He completed his contract), being confused on what his career choice was (he turned down 2 job interviews), and after I paid the bills for the month (he is suppose to give me half once he gets paid) he decided to take his $1,500 check and leave (and bought a new lap top, no GROCERIES in the house). I was so hurt, but also believed with all of my heart that we could work out, so a month later he came back.
STUPID, stupid, mother %^#$’in STUPID!!!
So, he comes back after 30 days, and we are attending church + marriage counseling. Everything is lovely for about a month, then the arguments get worse. He decides he wants to be a “stay home husband” (once he got out of the Army and I was working 12+ hours a day, the house was FILTHY!!!), wants me to drop out of college (he thinks I will leave him once I graduate), and wants me to have a baby. Explaining the fact that we need to be a little more established and the fact I was getting out of the Army the following year was not GOOD ENOUGH! Night after night, we are yelling and screaming in our little apartment. I’m surprised no one called the cops.
Punching a whole in my door and calling my Dad drunk (who by the way is a preacher) about ending our marriage was enough for me. Somehow, we kissed and made up through all of this.
THE FINALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, December 18, 2012 was the day. I told him that if he wanted to leave NC for a bit and be a full-time college student, then that was fine. I trusted him and he could live in LA for a bit until I got out of the Army.
We would then reunite in California. I would look for employment and also continue school. He was happy and all over the internet browsing http://www.roomates.com and different universities. Next thing you know, he says, “Babe, I never used Army Tuition assistance and my GI Bill is only $36,000. If my tuition is over, how am I going to pay?” I said, “Too easy…school loans.” Then he says, “Well even though my credit is good, we can use yours for me to get a school loan.” NOW HOLD THE $#%@ UP!!!!!!!
Me using my credit for his school loan? He’s already inconsistent. Hell no! I told him politely that me using my credit would not happen. His credit score is good and he can get a school loan. Also, I told him he is just attending school in L.A. I own a house about 1 1/2 hour(s) out, so we will live there instead of L.A. I explained how expensive L.A. is. He started cussing, screaming, threatening to cut his wrist in the kitchen, then wiped his tears and started packing. I was tired of him there that I decided to helped him pack his belongings. I even told him to stay until January so we can make sure bills are out of his name and transferred to mine. Also that he takes himself off of the lease. Nnnnoooooo!!! That was too difficult (the reason he is in the mess he’s in – The Gym).
Me STILL trying to be the good wife, i told him he could come back as long as he didn’t cross the NC state line. I also offered him our Yorkie and the 56′ in. Plasma TV. He just needed to rent a U-Haul truck to get the TV and everything he owned. Now, this boy had almost $2,500. Some of it was from our joint savings. He decided that he didn’t need a U-Haul truck or the TV/Yorkie. The last thing he said was. “It’s sad cause you will get out of the Army and have everything. I will have nothing. Your a good woman and will be more successful than me, but I cannot do this marriage anymore.” After his award- winning Oscar speech, He drove off to a friend’s house in the area.
The next day, I get a phone call at work and he wants me to come to a nearby Wal-Mart to meet him. I show up and he’s fussing and crying. I told him to come home and we can fix things. He told me, “If I come back, I RUN EVERYTHING!! You will not have a say so in regards to the finances, your education, or moving to California.” I looked at him with a blank face and said, “You might want to get on the road, the weather is getting bad.” That was the last time I saw him.
After a few months of being alone, I find out that he got back with his ex, he now wants the TV and Yorke (lied to his parents and said I wouldn’t give him anything) and would just use colorful words every time he calls. It got to the point where I had to move to another apartment unit because he would threaten to come down and take everything while I was working, due to him still being on the lease. Once I moved and got a lawyer, those threats ended.
Our divorce was finalized July 23, 2013, but I didn’t get papers until later. I cried my eyes out when I got those papers, but on the other end I was going through big time financially. I had to get more loans to make ends meet and was eating once a day. I was being medically separated from the Army and would receive a nice check, but I needed release papers first. Those were not coming for a lllloooonnnggg time. Some days I wondered if I made a mistake and was all wrong about standing my ground and letting my husband leave. Or the fact I let my parents down because they have been married 30+ years and I could not last 2-3 years. I realized that he wanted to leave. He left 2 times, which means I can’t make anyone stay if they don’t want to. Also, that things will get better!
Between my ex leaving and receiving my separation papers, everything I lived and experienced was a test; a giant pothole in the road to a better existence. No matter how hard a tried and was willing, I could not turn or walk away from it. The reward was at the end of the rainbow and greater than my struggles, but I just could not see it. For the thought and splendor of my reward was shielded with pain and anguish. The loneliness, vulnerability, trouble, and despair looked into my soul. It was a fight I could not turn down. I had to throw my best punches and kicks. I could not remain a coward in all of this.
A few months after my husband’s departure, I was seduced into getting back into the dating /friends with benefits scene. This idea was by far the WORST ever and a crock of $#@%. I felt like a fish out of water and was just too vulnerable. I got played and lied to a few times (see my “Your so THOTFUL” post) and it was just too much for my mind to wrap around. The same friends convincing me to get $@#% were like, “Damn, what the hell just happened? Everything seem good. You shouldn’t of slept with him!” Really?!? I wish you told me that a week earlier, but you were “cheerleading” me on to get under someone new to cure the hurt and loneliness I was feeling. So…to get over someone is to get under someone new is NOT TRUE!!!
How is it that I was a kept woman for 5 years (dating + marriage to my ex), then I’m running around town like a mad-woman smoking cigarettes like a train wreck, and looking for love in all the wrong places? After awhile, the drams & bull-#@$% outweighed the passion of sexual encounters and affection.
As the days went on, I grew stronger and stronger through my pain, tears, and troubles. At this moment, I have my days of being single and feeling lonely, but I’m more happier than I ever been.
Even my dogs are happier! They used to become scared of people and were really skinny. Now they are very sociable, gaining weight, and enjoying being in a backyard. They don’t even make mistakes in my home, which is a surprise! My carpet was ruined in my old apartment, due to my husband not wanting to take them for walks. It’s very depressing when an animal cannot enjoy God’s beautiful earth and always crammed between 4 walls. When you corner a deer, it will eventually buck!
I’m finally out of the military, back with my family, doing well in college, and living my life to the fullest! God’s grace and mercy is what kept me through this difficult time.
The question is, “Do I still love my ex?” To a point, yes, but at the same time, he took me through a lot. My sanity and happiness is the most important thing for me and I lost that while I was married. I always felt like I was losing because I wanted to stay marriage and live and remain in this fairytale called a marriage or a union joined by God. For awhile I went with everything he said, but was never satisfied with the final result or argument. When I started to stand up, then I changed or was not the same woman he married. It was there all along, I just buried it, then resurrected it at the appropriate season. Maybe I was wrong or the guilty one as well. Lying to yourself is the most deadliest sin! It consumes you from the inside out and robs you of your true identity or self.
I believe marriage is a beautiful thing, but you have to be CAREFUL who you marry. Some are looking for love, and others, are playing for keeps. I’m just riding on the #SOLO wave for now. It will happen for me again…ONE DAY!
XOXO,
Tijera
Comments